Resilient Heart

I had dinner with a good friend on Sunday night. I love it when she spontaneously pings me for some girl time. I can't even express how important friends are to me. I mentioned to her that I've started blogging again. ~I told her that the few posts I've put out there are probably not all that happy or uplifting. Other than the parental musing post, I think it's been a little mournful.  I don't mean for the posts to be downers. 

My reason for starting a new blog was to give myself space to think about this new life. Writing is how I process. I don't know what this new life of mine will grow into. I'm optimistic, though. Optimistic that joy and happy moments will outnumber the sad moments. 

Writing here, expecting to document happiness feels audacious. Both bold and brave as well as brazen. Two years ago it was unthinkable that I would ever feel joy again. But the heart is resilient. 

My friends are a huge reason I've been able to pull through heartache. Girls' night resumed. Staying involved did more than "take my mind off" my own situation. Staying involved allowed me to continue to be part of someone else's story. I stayed connected with people who mean the world to me. 

Work has also been therapeutic for me.  It is more than a distraction. Work gives me opportunities to learn and deepen my skillset. I'm lucky to have a job that gives me the opportunity to keep learning.

My daughter continues to be a touchstone for me. She is an amazing caregiver. Her dad responds so well to her. She has always had a special relationship with him. We both vacillate between strong, confusing and sometimes conflicting emotions. Her dad is still here. He still knows her and exudes incredible love for her. We are grateful that we were able to get a placement that provides such good care. We are so lucky to see that he is able to continue to feel joy. And yet...

She and I both continue to find our way.

As I sit here, listening to the clothes dryer tumble this week's dresses, I realize that I'm feeling content, happy even. It turns out it is possible to be happy.

There are still days that I struggle with grief. That is just part of it. Yet, I am grateful that my heart allows sunshine to break through.

The past year has been a year of firsts for me. Things like going to Costa Rica. Things like buying a new car where all the research and decisions were mine alone. Things like buying a new television. 

Parental Moments

Yesterday morning, I heard a father in our courtyard as he counted to 20. He finished his count with "Ready or not, here I come". It was the proverbial hide and seek game. I wanted to see this parent-child interaction, but I didn't want to intrude. So, I walked over to the balcony to peek. I expected to see a dad walking around "looking" for his "hidden" child. What I saw was a man in shorts and a tee-shirt, sitting at a picnic table reading his phone. I guess he felt he had time before actually beginning the search for his offspring.

I snuck away, unseen, but I couldn't stifle my giggles. I love seeing the intimate moments of parental play. Especially on such a beautiful sunny Saturday morning. Parental moments are somewhat unexpected for me as I live in an apartment complex. I somehow don't expect to see a young family here.

I don't know why I'm surprised, our building has two-bedroom units as well as one-bedroom. The complex even has a few three-bedroom units. Family living here is not inconceivable. It's also possible that I was observing a single dad parenting on his weekend. I don't know why I feel the need to speculate. All I know for sure is that he is a young dad who cares enough for his child to play and entertain his kid on a beautiful weekend morning. At this musing, I feel the need to say, "If that's not love, I don't know what is".