I Moved

I moved. Here are a few pics of the new place. I'm pretty much moved in. I'm staying with the minimalist approach to "stuff". I look around and feel at home. I've enjoyed myself, even. But when I look at pics, I feel like it looks like a college apartment, and I don't mean that in a good way.

Well, I'm going to just have to get over that for now. But I do need to make picture hanging a priority. I need this apartment to BE home.

I read an article recently about "being single" or being "newly single", and it talked about cooking and the grief process. It was in NY Times,  For Many...The Hardest Part is Mealtime. I just re-read it and realize it is speaking about widowhood. I, of course, am not a widow. But I have lost my lifemate. There are times when I feel lonelier than others. Dinner is one of those times. I was never a big cook, but we ate together every night. Either takeout or frozen dinners or sometimes a dinner that I made. It's been almost three years since we've lived together. I haven't really known how to manage this part of my new life.

Friday evenings when I used to get so excited about starting the weekend are often anti-climatic for me. The good news (I suppose) is that I'm now able to differentiate between times of day when I feel it the most. It's no longer something that I feel 24/7. I've eaten cereal lots of evenings. It's all I can muster up the energy for. On other nights it's a toasted cheese sandwich. But, I'm trying to build a real life. I have this idea that cooking will make my life "normal". I think eating at home will help me define my space as my home. You know..."Home is where the food is..."

It's been very spotty, this new consideration of making real food. I've never really enjoyed cooking, but I've almost always enjoyed baking. Last year I made a few desserts that made me happy. 

I made breakfast at home both days this weekend. Saturday was scrambled eggs with sausage. I was really happy with my eggs. Today was french toast. I was very happy with that too. I sat at my dining room table with a glass of ice tea. It was actually nice.  

I'm finding several articles that are interesting "takes" on "Coping with Cooking After".  There's even a book, but I haven't found it yet.  Anyway...that's what is new with me. 

What is Going On?

This blog is way too young to try to change its name and address...but I'm doing it. I think I may have three or four readers that found me at "Kimberly-Halftime.blogspot.com". To make it easier if you find me via the "Half Time" blog, I have created a redirection from the "Half Time" address to this address. 

Why in the world am I doing this? I'm not entirely sure. I've heard some writers working under a deadline have a compulsion to clean the house or do other chores. You know, things that keep them from actually writing. So maybe that is it. I plan to write...and I actually open the blog to share thoughts....and I'm compelled to play with the layout or the name, etc.

Some have followed my blog using the "Bloglovin" reader. I actually follow several blogs on this reader. Here's the thing...Bloglovin' sent me a note saying, "Congrats, you have 20 followers". That's cool. So I decided to check out my followers,  hoping I know them and can say "Hi and thank you". Guess what... every one of the followers is fake. Worse, they are porn sites.  EWWWW!  I'm asking myself if there is something about the name "Half Time" that triggered the bots to "follow" me. I'm not sure...but just in case I've decided to change the name.

I was also uncomfortable with the idea that this was my "Half Time" thoughts. Yes, this is sort of a new chapter. But I kept thinking "Half Time" implies "2nd Half" and actually I don't like to think of my life as being in "2nd Half". For me, it feels too much like I'm on the downhill slide.  Which, maybe I am, but I don't want to be reminded of that every time I open up my own blog.

How did I decide on "Sitting With It"? Sitting with "It" is a practice that I've been working on for several years now. It was taught to me by a therapist. I learned to use it when I was experiencing extreme stress and conflict at work. (A previous company).  Let me just say that "Sitting with It" does not come naturally to me. In fact, my counselor actually called it "Sitting with Discomfort". Whew...that was actually hard for me. (Still is).

My first blog was called "What I Think About", which was mostly musings of my life. I still "think about things", but it's different now. I'm different.

I don't know for sure what this blog will be "mostly", but I know it's different. A little more subdued maybe. A little quieter. I am still navigating who I am without my partner. I'm still trying to reconcile the fact that I'm "alone". I'm definitely still finding my way. There is still so much joy in my life, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I'm in the midst of grief. I've been trying to figure out how to manage grief without succumbing to depression. I can tell you that for the most part (with help) I've been able to keep deep depression at bay.

Right now, the best thing I can think to do is to "Sit With It".

PS I've opened up commenting so that you do not need a Google Account (or any account) to leave me a comment. If you are inclined to say hello, I'd love to hear from you.

Journals and Letters (Oh My)

I've been thinking a lot about writing lately. By this, I mean writing with a pen and paper, versus using the laptop. Years ago, on a coffee date with a friend, we discussed our relationship with writing.  Specifically, we were talking about writing for yourself and not writing related to a profession. We talked about how the simple act of writing can bring about a Zen-like moment that involves being fully in the moment.

I've been a journal writer off and on since I was young. I remember getting my first diary when I was in 1st grade. I was just learning to read and write on my own and I wanted to fill the diary with secret stories. I tried for the first few entries to keep my musings to the prescribed amount of space but found, even then, that once any real writing began, I could not predict the amount of space that would be required. 

I still believe there are benefits to keeping a journal. There are no hard and fast rules. It is a tool you can choose to pick up when you want or need it. 

As I think about my relationship to writing, I remember I was once an avid letter writer. I first became a "letter writer" in the summer after 6th grade. That summer I made friends with Darla who lived in Virginia. this seemed like a long way away to my 6th-grade mind. she was two years older than me and I thought she was quite mature. We decided to stay friends by being pen pals. I don't remember what we wrote, but I remember the joy of getting a letter back from her. There is nothing quite like getting a real letter in the real mailbox.

As an adult, I began to write letters diligently after leaving Virginia Beach. Hubster and I lived there for three years. Our daughter was born there and we moved when she was 18 months. I did not know anyone in the new NC town. (It was not my hometown.) I was lonely for the friendships that I had recently cemented. So, I would write letters or postcards. I found two things to be true. #1: Letter writing can deepen a friendship more deeply than a phone call. One of my friends continued with our deep friendship writing for many years. The letter-writing friendship was also kept fresh by several visits back to see her. I still consider her as a very deep friend. And, #2: I was driven to find fun and exciting things to do during my "regular" non-working life so that I would have something fun and interesting to write about. The adventures made me a better writer AND the writing made me a better adventurer.  This became a key to getting acclimated and finding my niche in this new town.