It's My Birthday .... And I feel like singing

Hello, again dear friends on the internet. I'm writing because that is what I do. I may not post or "publish" often...but I write none the less. This is my favorite place to write. I have a few blank books that I've used as journals...but this is better.  Why? Well, having an actual space adds the "boundaries" of space and time. That may not make sense. Let me try again. Writing in a journal is always something I intend to do. But when I sit down, pen and book in hand...I don't seem to get at the crux of my moment. The heart of it all.

Coming here, to the Blog, is not always ideal either.  --The whole get the computer open and up and running...At night when I'm home I'll think, "It's too late to turn the computer on, isn't it?". You know, I remember "older" people saying things like, "It's too late to put a pot of coffee on, isn't it". --And just like that, I'm old.

But not really.  Look at me! I'm not old. I don't accept that truth. Although, my knees like to remind me that I'm not 21 anymore.

My life is so rich. I just have to reflect on that a bit. Sometimes my grief for Jordan overshadows my mood. But, when I relax and "sit with it", I find that my life is very full and rich. (Aside: Jordan is doing well. He is happy! He still knows me. He smiles all the time. He LOVES ice cream and gets it every day! He has a true sense of community. When he's in the parlor and he sees a nurse walk by he happily waves... something one would do when sitting on a front porch in a small town.)

Today is the second (most likely annual) birthday trip. Last year was Costa Rica. It was big...but my sadness was big too. Going to such a beautiful place and seeing the lush jungle landscape and hearing the birds and feeling the wind...all perfect things to remind me that THIS, this right here, is life.

Today I am sitting on the front porch of a historic house in Wilmington. I'm so lucky it's not crazy hot yet. Just breezy. Airbnb came through for me again. I'm staying at a real B&B, the Taylor House. My room is precious. This morning our wonderful host prepared a delicious hot breakfast. It was an egg, cheese, and broccoli omelet, so light and delicious. And there were link sausages. So savory. Eating in the dining room of this home feels very festive. Such a good birthday morning.

Happily, another couple was staying last night, so I had company at breakfast. They were so easy to talk to and were smart and creative and amazing. The couple is gone now...it was a one night stop for them. So today it's me. Which is actually what I want it to be. I'm sitting on the front porch. There is a huge, old tree in front of me. The street is lined with old homes like the one I'm staying in.

The porch is the best. We used to sit on Grandma's front porch.  Every Sunday and any other day we wanted. Sit...rock in the rocking chair...drink ice tea. Perfection.

This porch looks the same. Well, maybe a little higher-end facade. The neat thing, though, is the home is street level. The house sits on a cobblestone road...but with brick.  The town has done a good job of protecting its history.

The Taylor House B&B

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to see my daughter. Happy Day to One and All!

The photo is from the B&B's website.

Resilient Heart

I had dinner with a good friend on Sunday night. I love it when she spontaneously pings me for some girl time. I can't even express how important friends are to me. I mentioned to her that I've started blogging again. ~I told her that the few posts I've put out there are probably not all that happy or uplifting. Other than the parental musing post, I think it's been a little mournful.  I don't mean for the posts to be downers. 

My reason for starting a new blog was to give myself space to think about this new life. Writing is how I process. I don't know what this new life of mine will grow into. I'm optimistic, though. Optimistic that joy and happy moments will outnumber the sad moments. 

Writing here, expecting to document happiness feels audacious. Both bold and brave as well as brazen. Two years ago it was unthinkable that I would ever feel joy again. But the heart is resilient. 

My friends are a huge reason I've been able to pull through heartache. Girls' night resumed. Staying involved did more than "take my mind off" my own situation. Staying involved allowed me to continue to be part of someone else's story. I stayed connected with people who mean the world to me. 

Work has also been therapeutic for me.  It is more than a distraction. Work gives me opportunities to learn and deepen my skillset. I'm lucky to have a job that gives me the opportunity to keep learning.

My daughter continues to be a touchstone for me. She is an amazing caregiver. Her dad responds so well to her. She has always had a special relationship with him. We both vacillate between strong, confusing and sometimes conflicting emotions. Her dad is still here. He still knows her and exudes incredible love for her. We are grateful that we were able to get a placement that provides such good care. We are so lucky to see that he is able to continue to feel joy. And yet...

She and I both continue to find our way.

As I sit here, listening to the clothes dryer tumble this week's dresses, I realize that I'm feeling content, happy even. It turns out it is possible to be happy.

There are still days that I struggle with grief. That is just part of it. Yet, I am grateful that my heart allows sunshine to break through.

The past year has been a year of firsts for me. Things like going to Costa Rica. Things like buying a new car where all the research and decisions were mine alone. Things like buying a new television. 

Parental Moments

Yesterday morning, I heard a father in our courtyard as he counted to 20. He finished his count with "Ready or not, here I come". It was the proverbial hide and seek game. I wanted to see this parent-child interaction, but I didn't want to intrude. So, I walked over to the balcony to peek. I expected to see a dad walking around "looking" for his "hidden" child. What I saw was a man in shorts and a tee-shirt, sitting at a picnic table reading his phone. I guess he felt he had time before actually beginning the search for his offspring.

I snuck away, unseen, but I couldn't stifle my giggles. I love seeing the intimate moments of parental play. Especially on such a beautiful sunny Saturday morning. Parental moments are somewhat unexpected for me as I live in an apartment complex. I somehow don't expect to see a young family here.

I don't know why I'm surprised, our building has two-bedroom units as well as one-bedroom. The complex even has a few three-bedroom units. Family living here is not inconceivable. It's also possible that I was observing a single dad parenting on his weekend. I don't know why I feel the need to speculate. All I know for sure is that he is a young dad who cares enough for his child to play and entertain his kid on a beautiful weekend morning. At this musing, I feel the need to say, "If that's not love, I don't know what is".