Miles to Go

Hello Dear Friends, I've missed you all! I missed coming here and telling you my stories. Today I will just dive in. I'm MOVING....again.  

What? I LOVE this apartment. I mean REALLY love this apartment.  How many moves does this make? Well, this is technically the second in 2020. But I sort of think of it as a New Year's Move. 

I was in the last apartment for two years. The one before that was about 6 months (?) and now this one is right at a year. And now, I'm moving one more time. 

I'm moving one building over to a top floor (instead of a 2nd floor). The new unit has two bedrooms; more than I needed a year ago, but exactly what I need today. The move is on Monday. Bill is moving to the new apartment too. 

I'm building a shared life. I find it interesting that, for me, the year is ending the way it began...with a move. Or maybe the new year is beginning the way this one did, with a move. 

I'll be honest, I could do with a lot less moving. I'd like to have all of the boxes unpacked AND the pictures hung for a few years. I think this next apartment will be good for that. 

In the middle of the planned move, we put up a Christmas Tree. It's a real one, and it's just the right size. And there are presents under the tree that I just can't wait to open. I haven't been this excited about the holiday in a very long time. 

The tree was put up a couple of weeks after Thanksgiving. It didn't make sense to buy a tree and put it up when the move is just days before Christmas. And yet, I wanted to be festive. So the tree is here and it makes me very happy.  

The star is Bill's homage to Vincent. Who wouldn't love a star like that? 

The boxes were packed today and the movers will come on Monday. The walls are bare now. As I see that the packing part has been done, the tension in my body softens. Seeing the packed boxes makes it all a lot less scary. And this time... I am not doing it alone. 

As I write this, I'm sitting in the dark watching the tree lights glow. I am quiet. The only sound is the dog's little snores from his snuggly place on the couch. Lines from the poem come to mind and I am happy. Christmas is upon us.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening"
Robert Frost 

 

Life's Gifts

One last day off before craziness sets in. I have chores that need to be taken care of...you know grown-up things like getting the car inspected so that I can update my DMV tags. That sounds easy enough, but I'm pretty sure I need new front tires to pass inspection, so I have to add a chore before the chore to get ready for the chore. Technically, all three chores should be done before month-end. But, I often take advantage of the unofficial (unspoken?) thing that you get a grace period. All of that to say that instead of doing any of those chores I'm here at home. On my couch and basking in moments of sweet serenity.

Home is changing for me. It's becoming more lived in. More "can't wait to get there". 

Pictures have been hung. You know that has been a challenge of mine for quite some time. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to see pieces I love hanging on my wall. 

I had help getting them hung (as you knew I would). 

I thought that when I got my pics hung I would be staying in this apartment for another two years. But funny enough, within a month of hanging I've decided to move, yet again. 

I lived in my last apartment for two years loving it, but knowing I would love it more if my lovely prints adorned my walls. I moved before the walls saw a single framed picture. In my Wilmington apartment, I hired someone to hang pictures within a few weeks of arriving. The guy asked me, "How long are you going to be here?", to which I answered, "FOREVER". Spoiler alert, I did not live there forever. 

Now, a much smaller move will be taking place. I won't lament about timing because, well,  I'm excited. I'm moving into a larger apartment in the same complex. Just one building west, as a matter of fact. I will still hear the same birds singing that I hear now. But it will be a bigger place. "We" need a bigger place. --He and I need a bigger place. 

It's taken me a long time to truly allow myself to imagine my own future. It goes without saying that nothing in my future changes how I feel about my sweet Jordan. I love him now. I love him forever. God gave us a beautiful life together. A beautiful marriage. A beautiful daughter. A beautiful family. A happy and full life. Nothing changes that. The blessings of our life together continue. 

We now have a beautiful granddaughter. Our daughter and her Sam are beautiful parents. 

Jordan is a part of that because he is always a part of our life. Always. Nothing changes that. 

What changes is discovering that the heart is resilient and can still love. Can love again. 

As with most wonderful, spectacular, amazing life gifts, I cannot comprehend how it all fits together. How it all works. But maybe that's okay too. 

Joys of Autumn (even in 2020)

W

e've been given an Autumn Season this year. It came on time! Days began to become crisp in September with a few hot days sprinkled in. October has been a beautiful Fall; with days alternating from crisp and blue sky to cozy and rainy. 

Danielle & Lucy

Danielle asked me to visit and be part of Lucy's first Halloween. Who can resist this proposition?  It was a lovely mother-daughter-baby day. Lucy slept as we drove to the farm, which was a couple of counties over. The roads quickly became two lanes and were flanked by houses with lots of land between one and the other. A really peaceful drive was the backdrop of our hushed talking tones (so as not to wake the baby). We talked about little things as well as big. We talked about making a plan to vote. Danielle had already executed her plan and voted earlier that week. I love that about her. She is a good planner and once she has made a plan, it is always executed. I too planned to vote early and made sure I completed my plan within the week. 

Arriving at the farm just as Lucy woke up was perfect. She always wakes up happy. This baby girl is fearless. She can't quite walk yet, but she so wants to. And when we were visiting the cow, she did not want to be in her mother's arms. She wanted to get to the cow! There was a corn maze that the farm is fairly well known for. We went to see it and I will tell you the size was remarkable. Danielle and I hovered around the outside of the maze for a few photo ops.  We knew the maze was not for us as we heard people inside the maze saying things like, "We are going around in circles!"

I've begun to experience a few happy autumn activities myself. Earlier in the month I spent a weekend in the NC mountains, in a town called Burnsville. There was a B&B that was home-base. The town has a small "square" with a restaurant that served the best filet mignon and a decadent chocolate cake, both of which made the four-hour drive worth it. 

Photo by Dmitry Zvolskiy from Pexels

Mornings (after breakfast) were spent at a lovely coffee shop. The two-story building with wood floors felt every bit like a quaint small-town coffee shop. The shopkeeper even knew many of the customers' names. Upstairs were a few tables with two amazing windows to look out onto the square. Each day was spent near the window, drinking a vanilla latte, and listening to conversations that I wasn't meant to hear. A little bit of writing took place as well. --The old-fashioned kind of writing, with pen and paper. These types of weekend mornings are my version of heaven on earth. 

My COVID "Vacation" ...so far

I've been quiet here. I've been in sort of a funk. Not actually depressed, but sort of stuck. I'm sort of blaming my all-around doing nothingness on COVID. So, this is a "what have I been doing during COVID" post. 

When sheltering in place first came about I took several online courses. I found them on Creativelive (in case you are interested). Some of the classes are pricey...but sometimes they go on sale. A lot of classes are very reasonable ($29) and a few that are free. I've spent several evenings watching some of the free classes. The courses got me excited about a few creative projects. At some point, I burned out on classes. 

Yoga studios also had to close. There are streaming classes, but that is not the same. So, the thing that I planned on getting back to is put on hold. I'm not pouting (exactly). Before COVID I was working out very regularly, with either treadmill or yoga. Now the workout rooms are also closed. (I know I'm whiny...but it gets better.) So I changed out my treadmill for an actual trail. I tried to do that as regularly as I did the treadmill or yoga thing. 

Fast-forward to today. I haven't walked the trail in over a month. 

I did have a nice week in Wilmington. I stayed at two B&Bs and then stayed the weekend with my daughter and her darling baby. That baby is pure joy. 

Here's a pic of Alister and Jacob, my two warm buddies. They are getting bored too. 

One of my friends is so creative with socializing with Social Distancing. She had a really fun 4th cookout. The set up is inherently socially distanced. It's such a treat to actually "hang out" with other people.

I've also enjoyed my fair share of television. My favorite show that is on a regular channel is Mom. The characters are snarky enough that I feel they are my people. 

I binged both seasons of "Dead to Me" and "The Politician". I highly recommend both.

I finally watched season two of "Ozark". That was a great big "meh". I've heard season three is better, so I'll probably watch that one soon. 

I also loved the movie "Lovebirds"... I loved it enough I watched it twice (but not on the same day).

That's "What I Did On My COVID Vacation",

Mid-Town

It is six months since I've been in my new place. And I still really like it. My bedroom needs a "redo". I need to get rid of the credenza/filing cabinet. It's a beautiful piece of furniture. It feels like it has been with me forever. It has a pretty versatile look. I've realized my place doesn't really have room for the piece. There are a few pieces that I will be moving out. 

I've found a crew that will hang my pictures in the second week in July. I need to clear out the bedroom so that we can get things hung and everything starts to really feel like home. 

My new apartment (the one I'm in now) is in "Mid-Town". Here is my view when I'm walking the dog. I love the little bit of urbanness in my view. It's nice that it is so different from my previous places. 

Not much going on in my neck of the woods. Just thought I'd share what my Mid-Town looks like in my complex.

What I've Not Been Doing

I'm still sheltering in place, at least basically. I'm at home now. I ventured out for dog and cat food, but I still didn't replenish my own food supply. I have done the bare minimum of housekeeping the past couple of weeks. I don't know what happened.

When I lived in my place in Durham, I usually cleaned every Saturday morning. Really cleaned. I mopped, I dusted, I cleaned the bathroom (in all its glory). It was just something I did. I didn't feel I could relax until I did it.

A friend called last night and I paused Netflix to talk. While talking my eyes landed on the space behind the television and all I could think about was it needed to be dusted. But, it was lateish...so when we hung up I went back to Netflix without another thought about dust.

Remember how I innocently thought I would learn to cook during this forced "Stay At Home" movement. I started out sort of strong. Breakfast was a hit with eggs and bacon or eggs and sausage and twice I made myself a delightful french toast.

Perhaps I got too ambitious. You know it takes a lot of pots and pans to make just a simple something for me. Why is that? Then I'm annoyed because I'm not sure the food was actually worth the effort of cleaning.

Last Sunday I found another trail to explore. The trail is on an old country road near where I grew up. When I was growing up it was just an "old country road", now it's a fairly busy connector between Chapel Hill and Durham. I took my camera again. I hope to make taking the camera an automatic part of all of my tiny adventures. Anyway, I didn't want to go to the grocery store all sweaty from my little hike.

May is one of my favorite months. Of course, the wonderful Mother's Day is in May, but more importantly, it is my birthday month. You'll recall for the past two years I took a little vacation on my birthday. The first birthday vacation was Costa Rica! Which was pretty incredible. I'm so glad my daughter and I took that time for ourselves. Last year I spent the weekend and a Bed & Breakfast in Wilmington. I had it in my head that I may do that again. I was considering that before the Pandemic. The Governor has now implemented Stage I of loosening quarantine restrictions, which went into effect yesterday at 5:00.

I suppose I could call to see if the B&B is open. Although, I'm not sure it's what I really want to do. I've got my dog and cat to think about...when and where to board them, etc. It's a whole thing.

I'll keep you posted on what (if anything) I decide to do this year.

Meanwhile, Happy Mother's Day!!!!

The One With a Six Foot "Hello"

Saturday is my go to the grocery store day. Except, I didn't. My initial "shelter in place" plan was to learn to cook. Or at least start to cook. You can guess that I'm not cooking today. I did cook last weekend though. I had thin slices of roast beef in the freezer to cook up for some version of a Philly Cheesesteak Sub. I've been out of bread for maybe two weeks, so I had to improvise. Luckily I have texas toast in the freezer. It is three-cheese toast, a nice hearty bread.  I cooked up the meat and at first, it was tasteless. So I added a little beef bullion as it cooked. It helped. The sandwich was okay. Really not bad.

Today I drove to Durham to pick up my prescriptions. I know I need to move them to a pharmacy closer to me, but it's a pain. The last time I did that only some of the Rx came over and it was so painful to go pick up my prescriptions to find that only one was filled "here" and the others were at the "old" pharmacy. I just can't get excited about trying to make that switch. Most of my meds are on a 90-day cycle, so it's not bad. When I'm in Durham I'm already really close to my Dad's house, so I swing by there for a 6-foot distance "hello".

I brought my camera. There are a few old weathered barns and houses that I have wanted to get pictures of for years. Today I got a few of this beauty.

This may look like a barn, but it really is not. This was an auto mechanic's garage. Not a commercial garage but where the owner took his car for oil changes. The garage has an oil pit (on the left side). I know about the oil pit because I've driven by the garage for the last ten years. When I first got back to town, it was in better shape. Not good shape, mind you, but better shape. I could see the oil pits more clearly then. I took this shot with my new DSLR. The one that I finally got set up for my walk the other week.

The camera feels so good in my hand. I love to be able to put my eye up to the viewfinder. I love the experience of shooting with what I think of as a real camera.  Don't get me wrong, I really dig the cameras in our smartphones. I just find that my pics are more thought out when I use the SLR. More meditative.

I loved how it felt while I was out today. This garage is across the street from a restaurant and a post office. I was able to take the photos from across the road. The land with the garage used to be in a somewhat rural area. Suburbia just grew up around it.

It's important that I get out there with my camera again. It's the only way to disarm my feelings of being an imposter. I really am a photographer. I need to become comfortable carrying my camera into the world. My camera needs to come with me on my urban hikes, and not just on mountain retreats.

You may remember when I took my camera out on my walk a couple of weeks ago, I was disappointed I could not get better photos of the eagle. I do need a more powerful telephoto lens for that type of photography. Looking closely at the images you can see the eagle. You can sort of see that it is an eagle. I am sharing it with you here just so you can be in awe that I was this close to an eagle. The only way I could really see the eagle was by expanding the image on my PC screen. I know that cropping it down for you makes for a crap pic...but today, it's the thought that counts.

Weekend 5? of COVID (I think)

Sidewalk Art Outside My Apartment

Is this the 5th weekend? It has to be. Though, like everyone, for me, the days are running together.  I think when we look back at this "Time of COVID" we will have some interesting anecdotes for some sort of sociological or anthropological study. Though I'm not sure what the appetite for such a study will be. 

I'm trying to be a good citizen and "Shelter in Place". I've stayed home each of the last five weekends. I did go out to the pharmacy a couple of times but did drive-thru. But otherwise, a homebody I have been. 

On Facebook, I've seen several Memes saying, "Check on your extroverted friends...they are not okay with this". And for just a  moment I am evaluating if the word is "extrovert" or "extroverted".  That's the kind of rabbit hole my mind takes me. I went down another rabbit hole at the very beginning of this post. You probably wouldn't notice a rabbit hole trip if I didn't pause to tell you about it. So today, because I'm in just that kind of mood, I will tell you about one of the rabbit holes. 

As I typed the word "COVID", my Grammarly application corrected it from "Covid" to "COVID". And my thought was "Really?" Has it been long enough that a grammar app should know what the naming convention for the illness is? Turns out the answer is "yes", it has been long enough. Our diligent grammar first responders have created a guide to make it more clear how we are to describe "The Covid".  [Note: They would hate how I'm doing it here.  So don't do as I do...or even as I say.] 

For your reading pleasure, and further research opportunities, I give you the answers to these burning questions below.

Link to AP Stylebook

But wait, there's more! I have so much more to tell you about. 

[Side Note: You have to be of a certain age to want to share a smile about the idiom.]

Okay...where were we... "But Wait, There's More!"

All kidding aside, I'm so interested in how others are coping and entertaining themselves during this time. Before the Shelter-In-Place orders were announced, my girlfriend approached the strange times with the words, "In these uncertain times..." or something like that. She was way ahead of me in seeing where this was all going. 

Television is, of course, an easy answer to fill one's time. And, as long as the TV is either entertaining or informative,  I wouldn't consider that a poor use of time. I, myself, value entertainment very much. 

But one can only watch so much TV I guess. Although, we are lucky to have so many choices. In my mother's day, isolation would have simply meant more time on phone calls. The old fashioned kind of phone which was tethered to the wall for connection. In the '70s, many of us had different versions of these devices. Mine was a green princess phone. Back in the day, though, your sisters wanted their turn to talk to their friends, which would mean you had to "get off the phone" with your friends. If one of us refused to hang up, then we were forced to hear lots of pickups from other extensions. Sometimes just a huff and then a hangup. Often a phrase like, "GET OFF THE PHONE" was heard. The worst was when one of the parents got on the phone. That meant your phone time was truly over.

Anyway, back in those days, you had to share phone time with others. Worse yet, you could never really be sure one of your sisters wasn't secretly, stealthily, listening. Today, I guess that is more likely to be our own government listening...so, yeah, no problem.

Long-distance calling was "a thing". Your phone bill actually tallied how long you were on a long-distance call and charged extra for those minutes. That put the hurting on talking with relatives who were out of town, like as far as Raleigh (from Durham). It was cheaper to drive to see them than to call. 

But, today we have so many choices of communication, like video chats. I've been on several. I prefer the phone...that way I'm not so self-conscious about how I look. We get to see video messages from celebrities telling us that we are "all in this together". Which, I don't know, maybe we are. I know illness does not discriminate. 

My favorite thing we have today, that we didn't have in my Mom's day, is the ability to share pictures instantly. Pictures and even videos! I haven't talked about it on here, but I became a Nona just before Christmas. My daughter has the most beautiful baby girl. She does not live in the same town as I do, which makes seeing her in person, during these times, impossible. But we don't have to pay long-distance charges for phone calls, of which there are many. I've been lucky to have gotten to see my granddaughter several times before the whole "troubled times" started, and I'm so grateful for that. But I miss being able to go visit anytime I want. Baby Girl was just two months old the last time I saw her in real life. Next Tuesday, she will be four months old. But to get my Baby Girl fix, my daughter sends pictures and videos every day. It's not the same, but it's something!

Cameras and Walking Trails

I used to see myself as an avid amateur/hobbyist photographer.  I sort of held that idea of myself even after losing Jordan to the Nursing Home. I bought the new camera Jordan had been encouraging me to get for over a year. I took the camera on the trip to Costa Rica, and then....nothing. Both my new camera and my old trusty Nikon sat on a shelf (where I could see them). When someone asked, I would tell them, "Yes, I'm a photographer."

But, more time passed and all I was using was my cell phone. Truthfully, my photos have gotten worse and worse. Some of that is because I can't really see the LCD screen to shoot a good pic. Some of it is also the phone camera is going to have limited quality. But, a lot of it is likely because I've fallen out of practice. 

Jordan and I used to "do" our photography as a planned thing. Jordan made sure to charge all batteries the night before and made sure the memory cards were ready. On the day of our shoot, we would take our cameras and go. Sometimes we were in the mountains, just for photographing waterfalls and forests. Sometimes we were in a town, like Asheville or Brevard, and we were little tourists. On those days, a camera was nice because there is so much charm that can be caught. Some of our last shoots were NYC, Brevard, Asheville, and Wilmington. 

Two weeks ago I took a walk. A three-mile walk in Duke Forest. It was the same trail that I hurt myself when I was training to become a runner. (Side note: I did not become a runner.) I consciously set out to walk three miles to try to reclaim some physical activity that I had been building over the last year. In 2019 I made it a goal to workout 3 times a week. At first, my workout was the treadmill, and I was doing interval running and walking for an hour. My goal was to always get 3 miles. I really wanted to get my cardio and legs in shape to run the entire way. By midyear, I was doing hot yoga two times a week and sometimes three. I lost weight. I've been feeling stronger. And then, COVID 19 caused studio closings and workout room closings at work and at the apartment. Closing the gyms and studios is exactly the right thing to do. But, I don't want to accidentally go backward in my weight. So I took a walk. 

Friday I took another walk on another trail and walked a little over 7 miles. Sunday I took a short 2-mile walk, and yesterday I had a 6.5-mile walk. The difference is that yesterday I took my camera. I charged the battery and made sure I had enough space on the memory card and went out on my walk. 

On the trail, there is a bald eagle is watching her nest. I've seen her both times on my walk. Yesterday I took pics. There was also a blue heron on the lake. I took pictures Friday with the phone, but they are simply the worst pictures. Yesterday I got some good shots of the heron. --I say good shots. They were good except for one thing. Too far away. I don't have a sufficient telephoto lens. 

The good news is I'm not feeling defeated. I'm feeling stronger. I will simply need to buy a telephoto lens. I'm determined. I'm determined to keep walking and to keep taking pictures. I am determined to keep reclaiming myself. 

Learning to Cook in the Time of COVID-19

How is everyone coping with the COVID-19 Shelter In Place thing we have going on? For me, this is basically weekend #2. I'm not actually going stir crazy...yet. I am still able to go into the office during the week. I don't have a loved one at home that I need to care for. But, after work and on the weekends, I'm doing my best to comply with the "Stay At Home" guidelines.

It's kind of a nice time for me to nest a little more. I've been in this apartment for about 2 months now. And, you know my biggest goal is picture hanging... which didn't get done before the shelter-in-place action began. It's not simply the result of my procrastination. 

I've thought about starting to cook a little for myself. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that cooking can be a breakthrough for someone newly alone. I will tell you I have had a mental block about cooking for a very long time. There are probably lots of reasons for this, and really...they don't matter. I try not to attach a value judgment on my ability (or choice) to cook at home. There have been times in my adult life where I cooked more than others. I was never a consistent cook. But...sometimes I cooked more often than others.

Copper pots I polished not long before COVID

Jordan and I enjoyed eating together, especially at home. It didn't matter if it was takeout or a frozen dinner or a home-cooked meal.  We enjoyed the togetherness of eating it. When I was a child, my mother worked full time and came home and cooked dinner every night. As far as I know, that was what everyone's home life was...dinner at the kitchen table with a meal that the Mom prepared. And not a frozen dinner or some other "calling it in" type of meal. It was always meat and potatoes or rice, and at least one vegetable.  I still don't know how Mom pulled that off...every night...but she did.

When Jordan and I were newly married, our meals were less "planned". We often had spaghetti and a salad or a ravioli casserole and a salad. I was never much for vegetables, so I rarely actually prepared them. Though Jordan did like little peas. So I often warmed a can of LeSeur peas for him. There was a long period in the early years when we ate a lot of Ramen Noodles. Other nights were tuna casserole. Which, was surprisingly tasty. Obviously, the early years were for dinners on a budget.

As we began to earn a little more money, I added pork chops, chicken, and lasagna to the repertoire. We even had a period when I made stir-fried snow peas with almost every meal. I made these with butter and beef bouillion crystals.

Jordan was the one that usually made spaghetti. He also made macaroni and cheese. His favorite was from the box with powdered cheese. I bought the "fancy" kind one time. The kind that had a creamy cheese in a foil packet. it even had fancy shell pasta. As far as Jordan was concerned, that was a macaroni and cheese fail.

I'll be honest, I liked the way Jordan made macaroni too.  He made it so buttery that it was the perfect comfort food.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped cooking. When I would entertain the idea of cooking I was always stuck with the question of what to make. Everything sounded so hard. So complex with so many ingredients. I think I pretty much became intimidated if there were more than five ingredients.

When we downsized into our first Durham apartment, Jordan began to cook for us. That was one of my happiest times. I would come home from work and he would go about making dinner, which was often a Lean Cuisine of a Stouffers dinner. They were usually nice and warm and filling. And he would make it and bring it to me on the couch. We would eat together while watching Jeopardy from the couch. He liked taking care of me and I liked being taken care of.

When Jordan started to get sick, he lost the drive (ability) to make dinner. I often brought something home for us. Usually, I went to yoga after work and drove through for dinner on the way home. On those nights, dinner was at about 8. We still enjoyed eating watching some sort of TV.

His favorite was when we ate at the table in the apartment. He would much rather eat at the table than on the couch. The table was just feet away from the couch, so I didn't really see the point. But it was important to him. He loved it when I would serve us on plates at the table with whatever fast food cuisine I'd purchased. He told me that this meant something to him and thanked me for the time we spent at the table.

It was during that time that I was assessing what was going on with him. He was so sweet and all the little things made him so happy. And dinner at the table was one of those things. So, I began to make that a priority.

Since I was making dinner at the table part of our routine, I started one of those subscriptions to cook from a box. The boxes came once a week with everything you needed for three dinners. This was a nice way for us to enjoy the cooking experience that we never really had before. The box came with finger potatoes with instructions on how to cut them and place them on the pan with garlic and seasoning. --I'd never had finger potatoes before. I didn't even know they were a thing. The box came with an onion to chop or leeks or shallots. Jordan would stand with me in the kitchen as we read the directions and I went about doing whatever it said to do next. The most successful dinner was panko chicken. I don't remember what meal had the finger potatoes, but that was a hit as well. I'm grateful for those times we had in the kitchen.

Fast forward to "now". This new apartment has a big kitchen with a huge kitchen island. It beckons for activity.  Today marks the third weekend that I cooked at home. So far I mostly cook breakfast. It is my favorite meal, so that makes sense. Last weekend I had eggs and sausage on Saturday and cereal on Sunday. I like cereal...so for me, that is a treat.

Last Sunday, while browsing the web, I had a huge desire to make some sort of chocolate treat. I bought a bag of dark chocolate chips a couple of weeks back. I was entertaining the idea of Toll House cookies but hadn't made them yet. So, here was my thought... haystacks. Except for using dark chocolate chips instead of butterscotch chips. Why? Dark chocolate is what I had.  I did not have chow mein noodles (of course), but I had a couple of bags of Chex Mix snacks. And I had several snack-size bags of peanuts. I also had my oatmeal squares cereal and a bag of potato chips. I melted the chocolate chips and began to stir in different snacks to create my makeshift haystacks. For the Chex Mix snacks, I used the Rice Chex and the Corn Chex but did not use Wheat Chex (that doesn't go with chocolate...obviously). I also used pretzels and peanuts. I made stacks out of cereal and also dipped individual potato chips into the chocolate. The results were quite satisfactory. Not culinary genius...but a little innovation to use what I had to create something like what I wanted.

Today I made two pigs in a blanket with Lit'l Smokie Sausages and crescent rolls. And I made cheese rice. I actually like rice for breakfast...so I decided to use my boxed package today. The pigs in a blanket were okay. --I liked the crescent rolls with just butter best. The rice was good. But the morning meal didn't really do it for me. It was okay. Which is acceptable...and another day of me staying in and cooking. So even though I didn't love what I made...I didn't hate it either. And I did enjoy the feeling of being at home.

So there you have it. COVID-19 is helping me to learn to feel at home.

That, and the brownies I just pulled from the oven. Those are knocking my socks off. 

I Moved

I moved. Here are a few pics of the new place. I'm pretty much moved in. I'm staying with the minimalist approach to "stuff". I look around and feel at home. I've enjoyed myself, even. But when I look at pics, I feel like it looks like a college apartment, and I don't mean that in a good way.

Well, I'm going to just have to get over that for now. But I do need to make picture hanging a priority. I need this apartment to BE home.

I read an article recently about "being single" or being "newly single", and it talked about cooking and the grief process. It was in NY Times,  For Many...The Hardest Part is Mealtime. I just re-read it and realize it is speaking about widowhood. I, of course, am not a widow. But I have lost my lifemate. There are times when I feel lonelier than others. Dinner is one of those times. I was never a big cook, but we ate together every night. Either takeout or frozen dinners or sometimes a dinner that I made. It's been almost three years since we've lived together. I haven't really known how to manage this part of my new life.

Friday evenings when I used to get so excited about starting the weekend are often anti-climatic for me. The good news (I suppose) is that I'm now able to differentiate between times of day when I feel it the most. It's no longer something that I feel 24/7. I've eaten cereal lots of evenings. It's all I can muster up the energy for. On other nights it's a toasted cheese sandwich. But, I'm trying to build a real life. I have this idea that cooking will make my life "normal". I think eating at home will help me define my space as my home. You know..."Home is where the food is..."

It's been very spotty, this new consideration of making real food. I've never really enjoyed cooking, but I've almost always enjoyed baking. Last year I made a few desserts that made me happy. 

I made breakfast at home both days this weekend. Saturday was scrambled eggs with sausage. I was really happy with my eggs. Today was french toast. I was very happy with that too. I sat at my dining room table with a glass of ice tea. It was actually nice.  

I'm finding several articles that are interesting "takes" on "Coping with Cooking After".  There's even a book, but I haven't found it yet.  Anyway...that's what is new with me. 

What is Going On?

This blog is way too young to try to change its name and address...but I'm doing it. I think I may have three or four readers that found me at "Kimberly-Halftime.blogspot.com". To make it easier if you find me via the "Half Time" blog, I have created a redirection from the "Half Time" address to this address. 

Why in the world am I doing this? I'm not entirely sure. I've heard some writers working under a deadline have a compulsion to clean the house or do other chores. You know, things that keep them from actually writing. So maybe that is it. I plan to write...and I actually open the blog to share thoughts....and I'm compelled to play with the layout or the name, etc.

Some have followed my blog using the "Bloglovin" reader. I actually follow several blogs on this reader. Here's the thing...Bloglovin' sent me a note saying, "Congrats, you have 20 followers". That's cool. So I decided to check out my followers,  hoping I know them and can say "Hi and thank you". Guess what... every one of the followers is fake. Worse, they are porn sites.  EWWWW!  I'm asking myself if there is something about the name "Half Time" that triggered the bots to "follow" me. I'm not sure...but just in case I've decided to change the name.

I was also uncomfortable with the idea that this was my "Half Time" thoughts. Yes, this is sort of a new chapter. But I kept thinking "Half Time" implies "2nd Half" and actually I don't like to think of my life as being in "2nd Half". For me, it feels too much like I'm on the downhill slide.  Which, maybe I am, but I don't want to be reminded of that every time I open up my own blog.

How did I decide on "Sitting With It"? Sitting with "It" is a practice that I've been working on for several years now. It was taught to me by a therapist. I learned to use it when I was experiencing extreme stress and conflict at work. (A previous company).  Let me just say that "Sitting with It" does not come naturally to me. In fact, my counselor actually called it "Sitting with Discomfort". Whew...that was actually hard for me. (Still is).

My first blog was called "What I Think About", which was mostly musings of my life. I still "think about things", but it's different now. I'm different.

I don't know for sure what this blog will be "mostly", but I know it's different. A little more subdued maybe. A little quieter. I am still navigating who I am without my partner. I'm still trying to reconcile the fact that I'm "alone". I'm definitely still finding my way. There is still so much joy in my life, but I'd be a liar if I didn't admit I'm in the midst of grief. I've been trying to figure out how to manage grief without succumbing to depression. I can tell you that for the most part (with help) I've been able to keep deep depression at bay.

Right now, the best thing I can think to do is to "Sit With It".

PS I've opened up commenting so that you do not need a Google Account (or any account) to leave me a comment. If you are inclined to say hello, I'd love to hear from you.