Moment to Moment

It's almost a year since I created this new space. It's a good thing I've given myself permission to post irregularly, erratically, even.

I have so many special experiences that I have not written about. Lots of firsts. Lots of things I had never really done "on my own" before.  Lots of "look at me", "I did that" moments. My vision, a year ago, was that this would be where I tell those sorts of stories. 

I enjoy looking back at my first blog...the one that was "BEFORE". I just looked back to remind myself of the type of things I talked about. My memory was that it included small moments. In my mind, it's the small moments that make up a life. It's in the small moments that, if you are lucky, and you pay attention, you can recognize happiness, contentedness, joy. 

It's a beautiful thing when you can recognize happiness in the actual moment. 

I emphasize the happy moments because they can be so easily missed. I don't know if that is true for everyone. I do know that times of grief or depression can be overwhelming. Grief has been a backdrop in my life for a while now. I'm learning to live through grief. 

I mentioned depression too. I might as well say I have suffered from severe depression. Depression that feels like a dark abyss with no end. I rarely talk about this, because I'm "in remission", and I've been in remission for a very long time. I'm mentioning it now in case it helps anyone out there reading this.  Please know that depression CAN be managed. While in the depths of depression our minds (and hearts) can play tricks on us. We can believe that this is the best that we will feel for the rest of our lives. You have to have faith to get through that. --I don't mean (necessarily) a spiritual faith -- although that can absolutely help. What I mean is a faith that this is not the rest of your life. That one day you'll be able to feel good things again. 

Since I'm sharing about depression, I will also say that, for me, depression comes with a large dose of guilt. Guilt that you are feeling "down" when you have been given so many things in this life. Guilt that you know you are loved and yet, it doesn't feel like enough to sustain you. Guilt that you are a burden to the people you love so much. Guilt because you can look at your life and recognize that it is beautiful...but you feel unworthy. 

If you are feeling any of those things, ask for help. If the first person you ask to help you doesn't see your pain and give you permission to feel it, then ask for help from someone else. Ask until you are heard. Ask until you believe that you can be helped. 

I remember it was little moments that helped me know that I was coming out of depression. I had felt so bad for so long I didn't think I would ever feel joy again. It started small. One day I was walking to the car and heard a bird sing, and for that brief moment, I did not feel sad. The depression was nowhere near lifted at that point. But that small moment gave me hope. Gradually, small moments of joy weaved themselves into longer moments. Moments bled into other joyful moments. It happened so slowly that I was not able to pinpoint the exact moment depression lifted.  

I do not take my mental state for granted. It's only been in the last several years that I could let go of the fear that the darkness of depression would return. Depression has bled through at times. But I am diligent in recognizing my symptoms. I can acknowledge it before it gets out of control and I can use healthy strategies to get through.